Two Wooden Sticks and a Ball of Wool

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICK!

Nick turns 16 today!  It seems hard to believe.  And what a young man he is becoming; honour roll student, captain of his rugby team, musician (trumpet, piano and guitar), serious golfer, charming, funny and sweet.  He had 7 buddies over for an overnight birthday bash (8 16 year old young men are kind of like gangly puppy dogs - Ed and I haven't laughed this much for a long time); pizza and bowling on Friday night - minimal sleep; games and fun, feeding (pancakes, eggs, bacon), silly string, balloon fights, a big chat lying in the meadow, Taboo and Scattergories, spiderman masks and party festivities, more feeding (chili, garlic bread) and a big birthday cake.

He wore the 'birthday hat' with lots of panache all weekend (and today to school on the 'real' birthday day).  I am in ordinately proud of our wonderful guy.  In honour of his 16th year I am going to embark on a 365 project for him - I have the scrapbook prepped (I do hope to share parts of it when I get it going) - I am sure 365 days of being 16 will bring lots of changes and great things.  Happy Birthday Nick!!!!!

***************

On a separate note I have been getting in squares (I have them photographed and ready to post).  I have been dealing with a nasty bacterial infection in my sinuses and ears so I haven't gotten back to the square sendees (I will do it this week) and really wanted to focus my energies on the birthday festivities (and getting well of course).  More this week.

My Girl Gryph

Gryphon
November 08, 1994 - April 11, 2009

I had to euthanize my girl Gryph this past Saturday.  Two weeks prior, on March 28, Gryph slipped down the bottom two stairs of our staircase, tearing up her inner thigh and cracking her pelvis.  Normally this would be recoverable.  Gryph, at 14 1/2 years, had certainly seen her share of maladies (three incidents of tortion - her stomach was sewn to her abdominal wall on the third time, two separate dog attacks - one cutting the femoral artery which did NOT bleed out, pnuemonia stemming from kennel cough from which the vets were sure she would not recover but she did with NO scar tissue) however she had two fused vertebrae which caused nerve damage to her rear end weakening it, and at her relatively advanced age she was more fragile (our vet likened it to a 90 year old woman who has broken her hip).

The two weeks from the time of her injury to my decision to put her down on Saturday were such an intense roller coaster ride.  The narcotics used the first week to manage the pain (tramadol, something IV and a phentenol patch) all caused dysphoria and my sweet, sweet lovely girl was in distress and unable to be alone and without me in her sight - nothing like herself and quite emotionally hard for me.  The second week saw an improvement in her ability to walk and her overall pain level, however she continued to have painful spasms in her right leg (the vets didn't really know what might be causing this) which would leave her crying and her mental fragility seemed increasingly affected. 

I had decided after one week to put her down and then she rallied and I really felt I should give her a chance.  There were many ups and downs and my decision to put her down on the Thursday was changed by the fact that she seemed to be doing better.  Given that it was the Easter weekend, I decided I would see how she did over the weekend and possibly wait until Easter Monday.  Gryph had a stellar day Friday and then totally bottomed out.  By Friday night she was in agony and could not walk.  Saturday morning she still couldn't walk.  I knew I couldn't wait. 

This whole concept of euthanasia is indeed a tough one.  I am more emotional by nature and I know that I wanted to give Gryph the chance to recover, and, honestly, I was having such a hard time letting her go (my fantasy of her just going to sleep one day and not waking up is a naive one).  I also didn't want her to suffer anymore.  We took her in on Saturday morning and I cried (and have cried) so unabashedly. 

My girl Gryph was an intelligent, curious and kind dog, full of love and joy and playfulness.  Typical of the standard poodle breed, even up to the day she fell, she would romp outside - despite her rear end weakness - and display a puppy like sense of mischeviousness.  I miss her muppet eyes, her Gryphie smell and that insistent push against my hand to give her a rub.  Companion dogs are such a gift of unconditional love, acceptance and loyalty.  Gryph let Nick beat up on her when he was a toddler and she followed him around the farm yard making sure he was safe.  She laid beside me during the worst times of my illness and she played hard and so tenderly with Ed.

I am so thankful that I was fortunate enough to be such a large part of her journey.  I miss her so much right now.

An Anniversary

Robin (1973)
January 21, 1958 - April 1, 1997

I remember:

• you introducing me to the music of Gino Vanelli, Supertramp, Genesis, Herbie Hancock, Miles Davis and George Benson to name just a few.  You were always so happy to share and I was always so willing to receive.  I still have the tapes you made me even though I don't have a tape deck anymore;
• you talking Jim into flying you to Calgary when I was so homesick for a 'spur of the moment' trip to hang out with me and you got high and ate a whole bag of Oreos on the way and then we stayed up until 5 in the morning because of your sugar rush - oh how we laughed;
• when we were driving down to Cinncinati with Tracey that time to see Jamie and you guys had to stop at the first corner store over the border so you could get beer and munchies and we saw Mom & Dad at that rest stop in Michigan and you convinced me to back up on the I-95 so you could go have a 'chat,' and we were laughing so hard I think I wet my pants and you calmly jumped out of the truck like it was no big deal;
• when the internet was first up and running how we hung out on the World Wide Web and constantly emailed each other.  You would be amazed at how things have changed;
• when I got drunk on Amaretto that one Christmas Eve and how you covered for me on Christmas Day (although looking back now I don't think that Mom and Dad really bought it).  BTW, the Glenffidich is still in my pantry - I have given up the scotch and vodka martinis...and well every kind of alcohol;
• you had a 35mm first and I got the degree in photography;
• I took the weaving class in college and you got the floor loom and taught yourself;
• how often people told us we were so much alike....although I would think about things first before jumping in;
• how much of an extrovert you were....and how much of an introvert I still am;
• your joie de vivre.

I love the photo Rob.  So 70's.  You are the same age in this photo as Nick is now (and in the same Grade too).  The maple tree we planted in your honour grows strong.  Even though I am now 9.5 years older than you were when you died, you will always be my big sister.  I miss you so much.

Calling for Squares

This is Luke.  He is 8 years old.  Luke was diagnosed with AML (Acute Myelogenus Leukemia) when he was 6 years old.  He had a successful bone marrow transplant when he was 7.  He had been in remission and in doing routine blood work this March it was discovered that Luke's AML has returned.  He is now scheduled to undergo chemotherapy, radiation treatment and hopefully another bone marrow transplant.

The Warming Grace project wants to send Luke a blanket.  I need 63 five inch squares in any shade of blue (Luke's favourite colour) in a soft yarn ASAP.

Calls for squares have been so successful and I thank you all so much.  We have had more than enough squares to complete 6 blankets so far which is awesome.  Unfortunately, many of the squares I have received have been unuseable for the following reasons:

1. Yarn - not soft, some downright scratchy (please rub it against your face or on the inside of your wrist)
2. Size - 5" is 5", not 3" or 6" - it is really hard to put together the blankets if they aren't relatively uniform
3. Quality - it is unfortunate that I have received squares that are so loosely knit they are unuseable, or there are huge holes in the middle or somewhere in the square.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the efforts people have put into knitting and sending squares; however I won't send out a blanket that is not first rate to a child who is putting up such a brave fight.

I am hoping that I can get lots of  5"  squares (and kid friendly colour in a nice soft yarn - please no acrylic), particularly in the blue shade as soon as possible.  If you can help out thank you sooooo much.  Email me at cindy@4spheres.ca for my snail mail address.  Please post my request on your blog if you can(there are so many blogs who have a much bigger readership than I do currently).  I thank you so much.  My goal is to get Luke his blanket by the beginning bit of May (taking into account mailing the squares, getting the blanket sewn together and mailed to Luke). 

A Blanket for Alisa

This is the blanket that was sent to Alisa in February.  This is blanket #6 from the Warming Grace Project.  I am so proud. 

My awesome blogless friend Carole did the finishing (I love you chick!) and the blanket and a couple of goodies were sent to Alisa who is dealing with cancer.  I did receive a note from the person who helped me to get the blanket to Alisa and they are so very thankful.  As always I owe a huge amount of gratitude and thanks to all the knitters who donated a square for this blanket.  You guys rock!

Some close up photos of parts of the blanket.

I'm not sorry...

This week a wise person I know told me I say sorry waaaaay too much on my blog (which is definitely less than I do in person - sad to say but oh so true), particularly in relation to my ongoing illness issues.  I had set this intention to be where I felt at my best - emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually, by my 50th birthday (that would be November 29, 2010) and coming to terms with the illness(es) is one of those goals. 

Realistically, while I know that the lead poisoning can eventually be eliminated through Chelation, the Fibromyaligia is an auto-immune disease which will never be cured (alleviated at times) and the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is well, no one really knows what the heck it is, something to be managed.  I think it has taken me 14 years to come to this conclusion.  However a great deal of time (and consequent energy) has been spent by myself apologizing for it; what I can't do, what I can't manage, how I can't participate, what I can't give or haven't done, given or accomplished, etc., etc., etc.

I am by nature a life loving person and it has been hard to sit on the side lines imagining my life more fully lived and participated in, admittedly feeling jealous of those who just do and take it for granted, punishing myself for not being more able and definitely not accepting what is.  What is.  Two very hard words for me to come to terms with.

So back to those intentions.  My goal is to learn to feel more worthy just where I am, with what I have, with what is, and not feel like I always have to apologize (you know for not posting more regularly, for not getting around to the blogs I love, for not being more active on Ravelry, etc., etc., etc.).  Definitely a process.  So I am going to work on not being sorry.

With that in mind, here are my photos of Nick's hat trick (as per the Ravelry Hat Trick KAL) - knit and photographed in January.  He's almost sorry that spring is coming (the prospect of golf definitely softens THAT blow...lol) because he has seriously been rocking the hats.

Hat Number One - Your basic hat in Morehouse Merino 3 Strand in the Seacoast colourway.  He wanted one just like Dad's so this was the first.  The sunglasses are the new thing in his 15 year old life and he wears them ALL the time 'coz they are cool.

Hat Number Two - I made a hat to match his MAC sweater which he really, really loves.  I reversed the knit stitch on the brim so it could be folded up, replicated the rib stitch AND did a mitered decrease for the top. 

It turned out pretty neat and he really loves it.  Made from Mission Falls 1824 Wool in Stone, Russet and Tri-colour.

Hat Number Three - I totally scored with this one.  It is Thorpe from Kirsten Kapur and I knit it with Manos in the Woodland colourway.  I was truly impressed with my crochet edging as this was a first for me and it definitely lends itself to the finished project.

This is Nick's favourite....by FAR.  I did have to cut the braids (too long) and Nick insisted on the addition of the following:

the pom-pom.  A surprise to me but he seriously insisted, and RAVED about the result!  My first one pretty much sucked so I needed to fix it up a bit.  He was very happy with the end result.  It is the hat he wears the most.

He is also very happy that Ed doesn't have one (and Ed was Jonesin' quite a bit after he saw the finished Thorpe hat!).  I love the thick and thin quality with the Manos and am really pleased with the result.  I was also very impressed with knocking out 6 hats in a couple of weeks (granted they aren't really difficult knits).  So both my guys got their three hats and me?  Two hat tricks!  Who knew.

Hat Trick

My lithotripsy recovery goes on....and on.  Every time I think I am over a hump it seems that my body smacks me in the head.  Oh well, such is life.  I was supposed to go to Madrona and I had to cancel (I am disappointed but clear on my priorities - I know that my buddies Carole and Manon are having a great time....small sob).

Thanks for all the well wishes and positive thoughts.  I do appreciate it.  I am hoping to get my organizational shit together and get visiting blogs....god I do tend to repeat myself.

On a more positive note I decided to participate in the hat trick KAL on the 'Puck This' Group over at Ravelry (granted, the hats were supposed to be posted by the end of January and even though I did have mine done as usual I am very slow on the posting....).  I was able to get TWO hat tricks completed; one for Ed and one for Nick (would couldn't believe I would knit hats for Ed and NOT for him!).

Today the hats I knit for Ed (I still haven't photographed Nick's - a ribbed copy of his MAC sweater, a plain Merino hat and a Thorpe hat from some Manos).  Ed's hats were quick and a good diversion through all the kidney drama.  Two are Merino hats from Morehouse Farms.

3 Stranded Merino in Autumn Fields.  It has a nice Carribean feel which Ed really likes.  He has gotten a lot of positive comments when he wears it.  Nice for such a simple little knit.

3 Stranded Merino in Grape Juice.  The same pattern and a really nice quick quick knit.
The front view:

The last hat I knit for Ed is the Turn a Square hat from Jared at Brooklyn Tweed.  I decided to use some Jo Sharp yarn I have had around for forever.  Not quite a skein each of Silkroad Tweed (Posie and Brindle) and not quite a skein of DK Wool Tweed (Saltbrush).  It turned out quite well I think.

Of course I started out with no plan of how I was planning to change the colours and ripped back to alternate the Brindle and Saltbrush (I had started out with the Saltbrush and realized that it couldn't also be the first more neutral stripe after I had knit the posie).  Excellent for the long wait time during hospital visit #3 the week of my procedure. 

Gee, Ed is looking a little tired in this photo (I think I took these just before he left to visit his Dad in Jamaica). 

I am happy with the top decreases.  Great pattern.  Easy to knit.  It was definitely a quick little series of knits (all done within a week) so good for my ego.  Nick's up next, hopefully this week!  Oh and another blanket (number seven) for the Warming Grace project (and now that I have finally figured out how to import all my old blogger posts to Typepad I will be fixing up her site as well....things do move slowly around here sometimes!).  However, right now I am off to bed!

The Size of a.....

walnut!  Yes, incredibly that WAS the size of the stone that was blasted up through the lithotripsy.  Hard to believe.  I am sorry I haven't posted yet but as always the whole process was fraught with a few hiccups. 

The procedure itself was pretty smooth.  Had to have an x-ray, do some pre-procedure stuff (sort of freaked when the nurse said something about it being on the left side; my specialist said it was on the right side - and they are never wrong are they??).  The procedure itself was somewhat painful but the drugs they administered were amazing..lol (I would never become an addict but there is something about narcotics and sedatives given by IV that is so sublime....).  I came out it really quickly and Ed was impressed with how good I looked after.  The Dr. said it broke up beautifully and all I needed to do was drink A LOT of fluid and flush out the sediment.

So I ended up in the hospital twice last week - once on Tuesday (an incredibly horrific stomach spasm - first in the morning and the second, much worse on our way home - that rendered me in a wheelchair and unabashedly sobbing in the ER - I know I freaked out Ed - receiving antispasmotic and antinausea IM meds in either side of my butt) and then again on Thursday (incredible pain in the nether region, spasms and burning in my bladder - had a foley catheter - a real treat let me tell you! - ended up with some antibiotics for the UTI and percocet which I stopped using after 2 pills because I couldn't handle feeling so spaced out).  My fibromyalgia went into overdrive after the procedure and the fragments can apparently cause tiny tears in the mucousal lining of the uretheter which further irritated everything.  I am trying to minimize the detail because, well, heck who needs to hear it all (and even this may be too much).

Friday saw the arrival of my monthly friend which caused further spasm and irritation (can I tell you how impressed I was with that - like I didn't have enough to deal with).  I have been so bloody tired and of course when the massive cold sore arrived this Wednesday I wasn't surprised.  I can honestly say that I way exceeded my pain threshold last week...and my threshold is high.  I spent much of the weekend on Tylenol 3's which helped to minimize the pain, got some homeopathic remedies from my Doctor on Tuesday and while they have helped for a bit the pain has been pretty brutal again today.  The interesting thing is that until they blasted this stone I have never had a spasm on my left side - I am totally making up for that let me tell you! 

I really appreciate your kind words, the positive vibes (they worked!) and the compliments on my knitting (thank you so much) and I really hope to be up and running, and participating a bit in blogland soon... I don't do the baby steps really well.  Oh and I have some knitting to share!  Woohoo!  I hope everyone has a great weekend!

So 2008 really sucked.....

Wow.  It's hard to believe that I am actually writing a post.  2008 ended up being such a hard year for me healthwise.  I anticipated not having a great summer (the humidity really bothers my fibro) although this summer was spectacularly bad - we had so much rain.  Which continued into the fall and the heightened level of moisture just kept all things fibro (and otherwise) at an exacerbated level. 

Add to that a wicked burn (I have a really nice scar on my forearm as a nice memento) I gave myself taking a broccoli frittata out of the oven which turned into a bacterial infection and then the rather large kidney stone that has decided to take up residence and it was the making of inflammation, pain, fatigue, nausea, tinnitis and general lousyness (oh and the added bonus of some perimenopausal symptoms) that I haven't experienced in oh so long. 

I think that my vulnerability and level of anxiety always increases during these bouts (and they always seem so much worse when I have had a taste of more normalcy) and my isolation becomes so much more severe (my level of cognitive fatigue just doesn't allow me to expend a lot of energy - hard to describe but it is soooo debilitating - kind of similar to that feeling you had in University when you pulled an all nighter or two).  I am in turn very hard on myself (see I just can't get that "I can accept where I am" crap) and the vicious cycle becomes quite a spiral.  I feel very much like the outsider looking in on a life I want to be living and my thoughts become very dark and the cup nearly empty rather than half full.  I want to be involved, I want to do more, I want to be able to get out and go places. I struggle with feeling that I am not giving enough in my relationships or my life (I have 900 emails in my inbox, phone calls to return, things to take care of, projects to finish, dreams to actualize) and I have so much guilt about what Nick and Ed have to put up with.  Chronic illness is a bitch.

Tomorrow (Monday, January 12) I have a lithotripsy scheduled at the Kidney Stone Clinic at St. Michael's Hospital in Toronto.  With any luck (and please feel free to send positive energy my way to bust up and expel the fragments) I can get this taken care of without further procedures and get back to aiming for some abatement of the 'other' current symptomology I am experiencing.  Of course, as the specialist noted my stone is in the lower pole of the kidney so not the best possible scenario.  My good fortune.  It's funny, in some totally perverse way, that my fibro pain is so bad these days that the kidney stone pain is not really that bad (and anyone who has had kidney stones knows that it rates up there with the worst), or at least it doesn't seem so to me.

On the knitting front, I totally blew up on the ABC along - I think I got to E.  I didn't join this year. Prudent move on my part I think..lol.  Of course I did sign up for a few clubs but no 'a-longs.'  Why court more disappointment?

In terms of knitting, 2008 wasn't a total bust - I finished some long standing WIP's, 3 sweaters for my two guys, 3 baby sweaters, 3 shawls, 1 scarf and 1 moebius cowl, 2 Lizard Ridge blankets and 6 pairs of socks (all posted on Ravelry but I am throwing in a few gratuitous pics here).  The knitting (even though I have pretty constant pain in my joints and muscles from my shoulders to my fingertips) is meditative and soothing and, most importantly to A types like me, something I actually accomplish.  I am so not "process" oriented.

I also read a lot last year and really got into papercrafts (card making, scrapbooking) although again my dreams of what I can accomplish are always so much bigger that what actually gets done.

Thanks for letting me vent.  I know I still have it so good in spite of all the bad.  If I owe you a phone call, an email or a good laugh I do promise I will get around to it.  I have to say I love the changes to Typepad.  Can you believe how big Nick is getting?  He is such a sweetie.

Note to self: Update the sidebars!!

Never say never....

Unlike most knitters (I say tongue in cheek), I have a pile of left behind WIP's who have been thrown to the wayside in search of newer, more exciting knits.  Soooo, this year armed with lots of integrity (and a nagging armada of guilt) I have decided that I will tackle that pile and get some oldies finished.

With this in mind I present the following two finished projects:

Four Panel Jacket

I can't quite remember when I started this (not a good sign) but most likely it was way back in early 2006.  My grandiose plans at the time included getting it done and sewed up before my Mom returned from Florida.  Didn't happen.  I had the back, two of the four front panels, the pockets...well you get the idea.  Fast forward to 2007 - I decided I was going to get the sweater finished.  Did the rest of the knitting.  Didn't do the finishing.  Enter Patrick.  Knitter and sewer extraordinaire. (I really need to do a post about the very special people I have in my life who do amazing things for me, given my particular "issues.") Patrick put it together for me and, I was able to give it to my Mom THIS year when she got back from Florida.  Better late than never I suppose!

Specs:  Four Panel Jacket from Jamieson's Shetland Knitting Book 2
Yarn: Jamieson's Chunky Shetland (purchased from The Needle Emporium) in Artic
Modifications:  I did not add the button loop as my Mom has a bunch of funky pins she can use to fasten.  Patrick left out the finishing edges on the armholes to create less bulk and some ease of wear.

I love the shaping and it looks great on my Mom!  She loves it and with the recent switch back to fallish/winterish weather it has gotten some good wear.  I'd love to knit another one of these but holy mackerel given how long it took this one to get done I'd better keep on movin'!

Ribby Cardi

This little sweater (and I do mean little - when Ed and Nick saw the finished product they both asked me what little kid was getting it - I do live in the world of big chested men!) was a quick knit but then languished in the needing to be sewn up pile (it's funny how that happens...).  I started it last spring and had the pieces done pretty fast and then......NOTHING!  When Patrick took the Four Panel Jacket he had me give him the Ribby Cardi and wow he did such an amazing job.  The man can put a zipper in! (Okay the photo below is not the zipper but I looooooove the shoulder seam on this!).

The sweater was a gift for Pam, who works her bahuee off as the Administrative Assistant at the Brain Injury Association, Quinte District, a local volunteer organization where Ed donates his time in the role of President.  It is like another full time job and Ed is so thankful for the work Pam does (she is the only paid person at BIAQD), given all the other things going on in his life.  Thankfully, she had no idea she was getting this because it sure has taken a while!

Specs:  Ribby Cardi by Chic Knits
Yarn:   Peruvian Highland Wool (purchased at Elann.com) in Starlight Blue and  Nutmeg Heather
Modifications:  None other than some extra finishing details.  Patrick added a lovely  decorative edge along the zipper selvage which looks wonderful!

Pam loves it!  When Ed went to the office with the bag, Pam sarcastically asked if there was something hand knit in there for her (Ed does wear his hand knits proudly!) and when Ed said, "well, actually yes," she was mortified!  Of course Ed got a big kick out of that.  Anyway, she says it is her favourite sweater and I am happy to have such a loving home for this boffo sweater!

Thank you so much Patrick.  You rock!  I love you Buttercup.  And besides giving you this (you chocaholic you although I have to say if you haven't tried this you really must.  Must.) I will so find some other way to express my appreciation.

I do hope to have more old and neglected WIP's done this year...here's wishing me luck; I am sooo going to need it!