Two Wooden Sticks and a Ball of Wool

A Birthday

Today is Ed's 47th birthday and I have to give a huge shout out to him and wish him a wonderful birthday.

In all of his imperfections Ed has taught me so much about unconditional love, patience and generosity.  He is gentle and at the same time can truly give me a kick in the rear when I need it.  He is one of the kindest people I have had the pleasure to know and he has a level of integrity I wish I possessed. 

Ed's strength, both physical and emotional, have kept me going through the darkest days of my illness.  His ability to laugh in the toughest of times and to keep me laughing have been invaluable, if not life saving.  Living with someone who has several brutal chronic illnesses is not easy and I have say that he has done this with an incredible amount of grace.

I feel blessed to have him in my life and I am so glad that he was born on this day.  I am truly privileged to know him and so honoured to be loved so deeply by him.  Happy Birthday my love.

Being Grateful...and a Contest

Amanda over at 225 Photography is having a great contest!  You have a chance to win a 1 year membership to Clickin Moms ( I would love it, hence my entry).  Go check out the website and get excited!

All you have to do is post a photo and list three things you are grateful for.  I have so many things to be grateful for but I will narrow it down to just three.

1. I am ever so grateful to be alive.  The last few months have been really rough with lots of pain and crappy stuff and brutal fatigue and yet I am alive....it's a great thing really!
2. I am grateful to have so much love in my life.  I am so grateful for Ed, Nick, my parents, our dogs, my friends.
3. I am grateful to have the opportunity to create, to express myself (in a number of different ways) and to have the freedom and the means to have these opportunities.

That's my little list...lol.  Go enter.  NOW.  And thanks for the contest Amanda!

Blanket for Luke

  

When I posted way back at the end of March my original plan was to get the squares in, the blanket sewn up and sent off to Luke by the beginning of May.  Ah the plans of life.....

Squares were so generously sent in (thank you, thank you, thank you) and I had enough squares to begin the sewing by the beginning of May.  The ensuing months of May, June, July and August brought with them all manner of shit for me; health and personally (another post). 

My blogless buddy Carole who has put together a number of the blanket was up to her eyeballs, literally, dealing with the summer long garbage strike in Toronto.

Finally, in September (while in the midst of dealing with the H1N1 - yes, that would be ANOTHER post) I emailed Wannietta in a panic and asked her to sew the blanket together.  My guilt was huge...Luke was doing well but I had put myself out there and felt a tremendous sense of consternation that the blanket still wasn't done.  Wannietta sewed it together for me (beautifully I might add) and got it back pretty quickly - THANK YOU W!

It still took me another 3 weeks to get it sent off.  Finally, it is there.  Luke is in remission (and doing so well after a bone marrow transplant).  And he has the blanket.  And I am indebted to all of you who so generously sent such beautiful squares.

As always I am humbled by your generosity to this ongoing project.  I haven't named names (I was going to post the squares and the donors...and if I can get up the steam to do it I still will - you deserve so many kudos!!!!) but I do thank you all so very much.  Please don't stop sending the squares.  I am working on getting back on my feet (yet again) and plan to get more blankets out (this was blanket number 7 for the Warming Grace Project.  Again, thank you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICK!

Nick turns 16 today!  It seems hard to believe.  And what a young man he is becoming; honour roll student, captain of his rugby team, musician (trumpet, piano and guitar), serious golfer, charming, funny and sweet.  He had 7 buddies over for an overnight birthday bash (8 16 year old young men are kind of like gangly puppy dogs - Ed and I haven't laughed this much for a long time); pizza and bowling on Friday night - minimal sleep; games and fun, feeding (pancakes, eggs, bacon), silly string, balloon fights, a big chat lying in the meadow, Taboo and Scattergories, spiderman masks and party festivities, more feeding (chili, garlic bread) and a big birthday cake.

He wore the 'birthday hat' with lots of panache all weekend (and today to school on the 'real' birthday day).  I am in ordinately proud of our wonderful guy.  In honour of his 16th year I am going to embark on a 365 project for him - I have the scrapbook prepped (I do hope to share parts of it when I get it going) - I am sure 365 days of being 16 will bring lots of changes and great things.  Happy Birthday Nick!!!!!

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On a separate note I have been getting in squares (I have them photographed and ready to post).  I have been dealing with a nasty bacterial infection in my sinuses and ears so I haven't gotten back to the square sendees (I will do it this week) and really wanted to focus my energies on the birthday festivities (and getting well of course).  More this week.

My Girl Gryph

Gryphon
November 08, 1994 - April 11, 2009

I had to euthanize my girl Gryph this past Saturday.  Two weeks prior, on March 28, Gryph slipped down the bottom two stairs of our staircase, tearing up her inner thigh and cracking her pelvis.  Normally this would be recoverable.  Gryph, at 14 1/2 years, had certainly seen her share of maladies (three incidents of tortion - her stomach was sewn to her abdominal wall on the third time, two separate dog attacks - one cutting the femoral artery which did NOT bleed out, pnuemonia stemming from kennel cough from which the vets were sure she would not recover but she did with NO scar tissue) however she had two fused vertebrae which caused nerve damage to her rear end weakening it, and at her relatively advanced age she was more fragile (our vet likened it to a 90 year old woman who has broken her hip).

The two weeks from the time of her injury to my decision to put her down on Saturday were such an intense roller coaster ride.  The narcotics used the first week to manage the pain (tramadol, something IV and a phentenol patch) all caused dysphoria and my sweet, sweet lovely girl was in distress and unable to be alone and without me in her sight - nothing like herself and quite emotionally hard for me.  The second week saw an improvement in her ability to walk and her overall pain level, however she continued to have painful spasms in her right leg (the vets didn't really know what might be causing this) which would leave her crying and her mental fragility seemed increasingly affected. 

I had decided after one week to put her down and then she rallied and I really felt I should give her a chance.  There were many ups and downs and my decision to put her down on the Thursday was changed by the fact that she seemed to be doing better.  Given that it was the Easter weekend, I decided I would see how she did over the weekend and possibly wait until Easter Monday.  Gryph had a stellar day Friday and then totally bottomed out.  By Friday night she was in agony and could not walk.  Saturday morning she still couldn't walk.  I knew I couldn't wait. 

This whole concept of euthanasia is indeed a tough one.  I am more emotional by nature and I know that I wanted to give Gryph the chance to recover, and, honestly, I was having such a hard time letting her go (my fantasy of her just going to sleep one day and not waking up is a naive one).  I also didn't want her to suffer anymore.  We took her in on Saturday morning and I cried (and have cried) so unabashedly. 

My girl Gryph was an intelligent, curious and kind dog, full of love and joy and playfulness.  Typical of the standard poodle breed, even up to the day she fell, she would romp outside - despite her rear end weakness - and display a puppy like sense of mischeviousness.  I miss her muppet eyes, her Gryphie smell and that insistent push against my hand to give her a rub.  Companion dogs are such a gift of unconditional love, acceptance and loyalty.  Gryph let Nick beat up on her when he was a toddler and she followed him around the farm yard making sure he was safe.  She laid beside me during the worst times of my illness and she played hard and so tenderly with Ed.

I am so thankful that I was fortunate enough to be such a large part of her journey.  I miss her so much right now.

An Anniversary

Robin (1973)
January 21, 1958 - April 1, 1997

I remember:

• you introducing me to the music of Gino Vanelli, Supertramp, Genesis, Herbie Hancock, Miles Davis and George Benson to name just a few.  You were always so happy to share and I was always so willing to receive.  I still have the tapes you made me even though I don't have a tape deck anymore;
• you talking Jim into flying you to Calgary when I was so homesick for a 'spur of the moment' trip to hang out with me and you got high and ate a whole bag of Oreos on the way and then we stayed up until 5 in the morning because of your sugar rush - oh how we laughed;
• when we were driving down to Cinncinati with Tracey that time to see Jamie and you guys had to stop at the first corner store over the border so you could get beer and munchies and we saw Mom & Dad at that rest stop in Michigan and you convinced me to back up on the I-95 so you could go have a 'chat,' and we were laughing so hard I think I wet my pants and you calmly jumped out of the truck like it was no big deal;
• when the internet was first up and running how we hung out on the World Wide Web and constantly emailed each other.  You would be amazed at how things have changed;
• when I got drunk on Amaretto that one Christmas Eve and how you covered for me on Christmas Day (although looking back now I don't think that Mom and Dad really bought it).  BTW, the Glenffidich is still in my pantry - I have given up the scotch and vodka martinis...and well every kind of alcohol;
• you had a 35mm first and I got the degree in photography;
• I took the weaving class in college and you got the floor loom and taught yourself;
• how often people told us we were so much alike....although I would think about things first before jumping in;
• how much of an extrovert you were....and how much of an introvert I still am;
• your joie de vivre.

I love the photo Rob.  So 70's.  You are the same age in this photo as Nick is now (and in the same Grade too).  The maple tree we planted in your honour grows strong.  Even though I am now 9.5 years older than you were when you died, you will always be my big sister.  I miss you so much.

Calling for Squares

This is Luke.  He is 8 years old.  Luke was diagnosed with AML (Acute Myelogenus Leukemia) when he was 6 years old.  He had a successful bone marrow transplant when he was 7.  He had been in remission and in doing routine blood work this March it was discovered that Luke's AML has returned.  He is now scheduled to undergo chemotherapy, radiation treatment and hopefully another bone marrow transplant.

The Warming Grace project wants to send Luke a blanket.  I need 63 five inch squares in any shade of blue (Luke's favourite colour) in a soft yarn ASAP.

Calls for squares have been so successful and I thank you all so much.  We have had more than enough squares to complete 6 blankets so far which is awesome.  Unfortunately, many of the squares I have received have been unuseable for the following reasons:

1. Yarn - not soft, some downright scratchy (please rub it against your face or on the inside of your wrist)
2. Size - 5" is 5", not 3" or 6" - it is really hard to put together the blankets if they aren't relatively uniform
3. Quality - it is unfortunate that I have received squares that are so loosely knit they are unuseable, or there are huge holes in the middle or somewhere in the square.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the efforts people have put into knitting and sending squares; however I won't send out a blanket that is not first rate to a child who is putting up such a brave fight.

I am hoping that I can get lots of  5"  squares (and kid friendly colour in a nice soft yarn - please no acrylic), particularly in the blue shade as soon as possible.  If you can help out thank you sooooo much.  Email me at cindy@4spheres.ca for my snail mail address.  Please post my request on your blog if you can(there are so many blogs who have a much bigger readership than I do currently).  I thank you so much.  My goal is to get Luke his blanket by the beginning bit of May (taking into account mailing the squares, getting the blanket sewn together and mailed to Luke). 

A Blanket for Alisa

This is the blanket that was sent to Alisa in February.  This is blanket #6 from the Warming Grace Project.  I am so proud. 

My awesome blogless friend Carole did the finishing (I love you chick!) and the blanket and a couple of goodies were sent to Alisa who is dealing with cancer.  I did receive a note from the person who helped me to get the blanket to Alisa and they are so very thankful.  As always I owe a huge amount of gratitude and thanks to all the knitters who donated a square for this blanket.  You guys rock!

Some close up photos of parts of the blanket.

I'm not sorry...

This week a wise person I know told me I say sorry waaaaay too much on my blog (which is definitely less than I do in person - sad to say but oh so true), particularly in relation to my ongoing illness issues.  I had set this intention to be where I felt at my best - emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually, by my 50th birthday (that would be November 29, 2010) and coming to terms with the illness(es) is one of those goals. 

Realistically, while I know that the lead poisoning can eventually be eliminated through Chelation, the Fibromyaligia is an auto-immune disease which will never be cured (alleviated at times) and the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is well, no one really knows what the heck it is, something to be managed.  I think it has taken me 14 years to come to this conclusion.  However a great deal of time (and consequent energy) has been spent by myself apologizing for it; what I can't do, what I can't manage, how I can't participate, what I can't give or haven't done, given or accomplished, etc., etc., etc.

I am by nature a life loving person and it has been hard to sit on the side lines imagining my life more fully lived and participated in, admittedly feeling jealous of those who just do and take it for granted, punishing myself for not being more able and definitely not accepting what is.  What is.  Two very hard words for me to come to terms with.

So back to those intentions.  My goal is to learn to feel more worthy just where I am, with what I have, with what is, and not feel like I always have to apologize (you know for not posting more regularly, for not getting around to the blogs I love, for not being more active on Ravelry, etc., etc., etc.).  Definitely a process.  So I am going to work on not being sorry.

With that in mind, here are my photos of Nick's hat trick (as per the Ravelry Hat Trick KAL) - knit and photographed in January.  He's almost sorry that spring is coming (the prospect of golf definitely softens THAT blow...lol) because he has seriously been rocking the hats.

Hat Number One - Your basic hat in Morehouse Merino 3 Strand in the Seacoast colourway.  He wanted one just like Dad's so this was the first.  The sunglasses are the new thing in his 15 year old life and he wears them ALL the time 'coz they are cool.

Hat Number Two - I made a hat to match his MAC sweater which he really, really loves.  I reversed the knit stitch on the brim so it could be folded up, replicated the rib stitch AND did a mitered decrease for the top. 

It turned out pretty neat and he really loves it.  Made from Mission Falls 1824 Wool in Stone, Russet and Tri-colour.

Hat Number Three - I totally scored with this one.  It is Thorpe from Kirsten Kapur and I knit it with Manos in the Woodland colourway.  I was truly impressed with my crochet edging as this was a first for me and it definitely lends itself to the finished project.

This is Nick's favourite....by FAR.  I did have to cut the braids (too long) and Nick insisted on the addition of the following:

the pom-pom.  A surprise to me but he seriously insisted, and RAVED about the result!  My first one pretty much sucked so I needed to fix it up a bit.  He was very happy with the end result.  It is the hat he wears the most.

He is also very happy that Ed doesn't have one (and Ed was Jonesin' quite a bit after he saw the finished Thorpe hat!).  I love the thick and thin quality with the Manos and am really pleased with the result.  I was also very impressed with knocking out 6 hats in a couple of weeks (granted they aren't really difficult knits).  So both my guys got their three hats and me?  Two hat tricks!  Who knew.

Hat Trick

My lithotripsy recovery goes on....and on.  Every time I think I am over a hump it seems that my body smacks me in the head.  Oh well, such is life.  I was supposed to go to Madrona and I had to cancel (I am disappointed but clear on my priorities - I know that my buddies Carole and Manon are having a great time....small sob).

Thanks for all the well wishes and positive thoughts.  I do appreciate it.  I am hoping to get my organizational shit together and get visiting blogs....god I do tend to repeat myself.

On a more positive note I decided to participate in the hat trick KAL on the 'Puck This' Group over at Ravelry (granted, the hats were supposed to be posted by the end of January and even though I did have mine done as usual I am very slow on the posting....).  I was able to get TWO hat tricks completed; one for Ed and one for Nick (would couldn't believe I would knit hats for Ed and NOT for him!).

Today the hats I knit for Ed (I still haven't photographed Nick's - a ribbed copy of his MAC sweater, a plain Merino hat and a Thorpe hat from some Manos).  Ed's hats were quick and a good diversion through all the kidney drama.  Two are Merino hats from Morehouse Farms.

3 Stranded Merino in Autumn Fields.  It has a nice Carribean feel which Ed really likes.  He has gotten a lot of positive comments when he wears it.  Nice for such a simple little knit.

3 Stranded Merino in Grape Juice.  The same pattern and a really nice quick quick knit.
The front view:

The last hat I knit for Ed is the Turn a Square hat from Jared at Brooklyn Tweed.  I decided to use some Jo Sharp yarn I have had around for forever.  Not quite a skein each of Silkroad Tweed (Posie and Brindle) and not quite a skein of DK Wool Tweed (Saltbrush).  It turned out quite well I think.

Of course I started out with no plan of how I was planning to change the colours and ripped back to alternate the Brindle and Saltbrush (I had started out with the Saltbrush and realized that it couldn't also be the first more neutral stripe after I had knit the posie).  Excellent for the long wait time during hospital visit #3 the week of my procedure. 

Gee, Ed is looking a little tired in this photo (I think I took these just before he left to visit his Dad in Jamaica). 

I am happy with the top decreases.  Great pattern.  Easy to knit.  It was definitely a quick little series of knits (all done within a week) so good for my ego.  Nick's up next, hopefully this week!  Oh and another blanket (number seven) for the Warming Grace project (and now that I have finally figured out how to import all my old blogger posts to Typepad I will be fixing up her site as well....things do move slowly around here sometimes!).  However, right now I am off to bed!